What objects stir up memories of your loved ones? What objects of yours do you think will lead others to think of you?
Today’s New York Times has a poignant photo-essay in which Times readers have provided pictures of objects that remind them of loved ones lost in the last year or so, when our traditional approaches of grieving and mourning have been largely curtailed. It’s just lovely, and I encourage everyone to spend time with it.
One reader provided a picture of a wooden rolling pin that had seen good use by his late aunt. He writes, “I have this rolling pin that my aunt used to roll out dough for kolaches, the Czech pastry. She probably did it for all kinds of Christmas cookies and Norwegian pastries. When I saw this from her kitchen, it was just in great shape. It made me think back to all generations of our family, making that food — it’s a great connection.”
As an estate planner, I noticed a few things as I looked at the objects and read the stories. First, there are several readers who received their treasured item as a gift directly from their loved one. This is a wonderful way to pass on an item. One reader received an engraved thimble from her mother. She wrote, “The last time I went to see her, in January 2020, she reached into her little box and said, ‘I want you to take this.’ It was the thimble I’d seen her use my whole life. It’s really special that I have it now.” This sort of gift giving is particularly meaningful because it is so intentional. The gift giver is passing something along that they see as special and imbued with significance. The preciousness of the item is shared by both the giver and the recipient. Giving a sentimental gift during your lifetime is a wonderful thing, and I encourage my clients to consider it.
For other readers, their special item was received after their loved one’s death. Some of the items are, to third parties and maybe even to the late loved one, rather mundane. But for the person currently possessing the item, the object is like Proust’s madeleine, evocative of memories that unfold and unfold. One reader submitted a photo of an old, opened box of sandwich baggies. “The old sandwich box — it’s silly, isn’t it? I had pulled it out of our pantry and I lifted it up to put in the recycling and then I realized how old it was, that it was from Dad, who passed away in April. It was really nice to get the reminder of how nice it was to walk into one of his apartments in Center City and have a relaxing afternoon on a Sunday, watching sports or getting some lunch. Each time I came back to Philadelphia, I landed in his apartment, and he would take me in.”
For other items, such as a prayer shawl, a lasso, a rosary, or a baseball glove, the sentimental significance is not so hard to imagine. And it’s heartwarming that these items have found new homes and caretakers.
When I speak with clients, I encourage them to reflect on whether there are particular items that they would like to gift to a family member or loved one. Sadly, heirs and family members can sometimes bicker and fight about certain prized and sentimental items. Lawyers who specialize in litigation surrounding wills and estates have horror stories about families rend apart by these disputes. To help ensure that the objects are remembered with fondness for the giver and not with bitterness over the fight to acquire it, it can be helpful to for the person writing his or her will to provide clear instructions about how these items should pass if they are not gifted during life. These instructions can be in the will itself (e.g., “If it is in my possession at my death, I leave my rocking chair, built by my grandfather, to my son Charlie, if he survives me.”) or provided for in a separate letter. In wills I draft, I generally include the following language: I may have left with this Will a letter or memorandum signed by me and bequeathing certain tangible personal property I may own at the time of my death to the persons named therein, and I direct my Executor to distribute such property in accordance with the terms and provisions of any such letter. I understand that any such letter executed after the signing of this Will may not be legally binding upon my Executor, but I request that my Executor honor my wishes as expressed in any such letter. (This approach of using a letter supplement to your will was recently sanctioned by new law OCGA 53-4-5, which came into effect on January 1, 2021.)
But a person writing a will or one of these letters cannot (and probably should not) catalogue all the items they own. And, as in the case of the sandwich baggies, they might not anticipate what someone else finds meaningful. Instead, as a backstop, they can encourage their Executor to invite family members and friends to request items of special meaning. I’ve recently started also including the following line: …my Executor shall, in my Executor’s sole and absolute discretion, distribute any items of sentimental meaning among my family and friends… In this way friends and loved ones might be able to ask for a particular garment, or a trinket, or a item from the kitchen.
In my own life, there are special items I have received from loved ones now passed. I think of a model helicopter that belonged to my grandfather, a cutting board and vegetable peeler used by my grandmother, and a small piece of art that I gifted to a friend and that I received back after he died. These are treasures to me, their value perhaps not evident to others. But when my gaze lands on them, I think fondly of their origin and how fortunate I am to have had these loved ones in my life.
Photo credit: David Knutson